Sweets to the Sweet
by tenshimagic
Summary: [Warnings: OOC. And just plain weird.] Happy Birthday, Renechan! Tsuzuki attempts to cook. In someone else's kitchen.


A/N: You know, Rene-chan, you're the only person I write birthday fic for. You're also the only person to pull me out of my year-long hiatus(es). Just for your fic. (pokes you) Happy Birthday.

A/N 2: I have no idea if this fits into timeline or not. Hisoka acts less maladjusted, but Muraki is still alive? Wth?

* * *

"This is completely your fault." Kurosaki Hisoka muttered to Tsuzuki accusingly. "We're going to get in so much trouble when they come back."

The kitchen was a complete mess. The sink was only recognizable as such due to the faucet, which appeared to be dripping black sludge rather than water. The floor tiles, which had previously been a good, simple tan design, resembled a Pollock painting of enormous proportions due to the randomness of the design – with not even a hint of the supposed "genius" present in the man's actual works. The countertops were rivers of filth; the edges that spilled to the floor ridiculously tiny and unattractive waterfalls.

"It's your fault too, you know," Tsuzuki Asato whined as the cloth he'd been using valiantly gave up in its fight against the mess and sued for peace, "You're the one who said, and I quote, 'Oh, it'd probably be cheaper just to make your own desserts'."

Scowling, Hisoka picked up one of the few remaining eggs to throw and then thought better of it, and settled for a glare instead. "I distinctly do _not_ hear 'By the way, why don't you commandeer a human's kitchen and completely ruin it?' in that statement. And what do you do? Commandeer a human's kitchen and completely ruin it."

"_After_ enlisting your help."

"Right, _after_ enlisting…shut up." The younger boy blushed faintly.

"Aww, Hisoka-chan is so cute."

"Shut. Up. And I wouldn't have said even _that_ if you hadn't gone completely over budget again. For cream puffs." Hisoka's scowl had returned, and he tried to gain back his ground by looking his older partner up and down critically. "Which you're going to resemble soon if you don't cut back on the sweets," he added almost maliciously.

"Well, then," Tsuzuki pouted childishly, clearly offended and not a little bit hurt (though he did check himself surreptitiously in the mirror), "you didn't have to help me in the first place!"

Hisoka laughed mockingly at that. "I was supposed to let an idiot like _you_ into the supermarket by himself? You didn't even know what ingredients you needed! As for kitchens…" He waved his arm excitedly. The redundant dramatic gesture ended up knocking over a pitcher of water.

Tsuzuki just looked at him, trying hard not to actually smile, and Hisoka sighed. "Fine, let's just try and clean up then…"

* * *

They didn't end up making much progress, as Hisoka argued over the correct way to do things, and Tsuzuki constantly knocked things over again. They couldn't figure out how to get rid of the black gunk that was _supposed_ to be brownie mix, and, in the end, they decided to wrap it up and leave it on Muraki's doorstep.

"What if he eats it?" Tsuzuki asked plaintively as the two surveyed their work. There was marginal improvement – there wasn't gunk _all over_ the kitchen now, the sink looked as though it could actually be used, and the floor looked almost the same as before. Unfortunately, in order to achieve this, they had also broken the refrigerator (_"the light looks so pretty! How does it know when I open the door?"_), and nearly caused a gas explosion (_"how was I supposed to know you had to hold it there until it actually lit? My stove doesn't need that!"_). And if any of the neighbors had pets, Tsuzuki hoped that they wouldn't get poisoned while going through the trash cans.

"What if he does?" Hisoka remarked, somewhat bitterly.

"Well, _I_ think that it's mean not to care if someone else dies or not."

"And _I _think I'm justified in this instance, all things considered."

Tsuzuki muttered something about insensitive maladjusted children, and Hisoka simply stated that at least he acted his own age (or, at least, the age he looked), unlike certain other people he could mention. The situation degenerated from there.

The human owners of the kitchen arrived at the same time Hisoka and Tsuzuki's superiors did, to find what looked like an older man and a much younger boy engaged in a food fight.

* * *

They did, indeed, get in trouble.

"You know, I think we got off easy."

"This is so unfair! They confiscated all my ingredients. And now I'm going to be doing duty during my old off times…for ten _months_? Why didn't they punish _you_?"

"Because they know that it's never my fault, when I'm partnered with you." Hisoka said smugly.

Tsuzuki mulled that over for a moment before smiling. "Besides, you lied. It _wasn't_ cheaper just to make my own dessert. In fact, it seems that I wasted quite a bit of money on those ingredients I'll never be able to use, in payment for the kitchen, and to repay debt…" He trailed off and took a step towards Hisoka, looking very much like a complacent cat about to snatch an unsuspecting bird. A bird that didn't know that it was already caught and simply stood there, completely unsuspecting.

"…And, your point is?" Hisoka stated in a bored tone, completely ignoring the voice inside him that was yelling at him to run away while he still could.

"You'll just have to make it up to me! Besides, I kept the chocolate!" Tsuzuki said happily, and pounced.

"What! No, get away from me, you freak!"

* * *

_Owari_

A/N 3: I hope you're happy now. Cheer up! Don't look so emo all the time, Rene-chan! Happy Birthday!


End file.
